A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled

into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

entered . . .

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery...

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,


which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'



Submitted by RN no name

Dr. Tale

A man comes into the ER and yells .... My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'


I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's

Dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs

And I was in the wrong one.


Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,


San Francisco

Hair Cut

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, " About three hours."

The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.

Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house." !

Wedding Test

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome...

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo ... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, All clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said we are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

Test Results

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

When the girl won't pull out

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all. Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Playing Hockey

A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a


dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch

them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know

how to play Hockey.

Cold and Hot Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the

first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

"Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.

The Amazing Jew

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Jew."

The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, 'Morty,' written on it.
After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded, "Don't Miss The Amazing Jew."

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them. The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show. "You're incredible," he told Morty, "but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Vell, I tell ya sompin," said Morty, "my eyes ain't vat dey used to be.

A Government Job

A guy applies for a job at a new Sri Lankan Government Department.

The interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way."

"Yes!" the guy says, "a landmine blew my testicles away!"

"O.K. you're hired!" the interviewer announces, "working hours are from 8am to 5pm. Make sure you're here by 10am every morning!"

Puzzled the guy says, "You said 8am to 5pm, but why do you want me to come in only at 10am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls........no point in you coming in for that....!"

HK Snob

(This is a Joke and not to mean to offend...)