Golf Story

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

He has no arms and no legs

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?

'The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?

'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?

'The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Ghost Sex

A  professor at the Auburn University was giving a  lecture on Paranormal Studies. 
To get a  feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people  here believe in ghosts?'          
About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's  a good start. Out of those who believe in  ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a  ghost?' 
About 40 students raise their  hands. That's really good. I'm really  glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here  ever talked to a ghost?'          
About 15  students raise their hand. 
Has anyone  here ever touched a ghost?'    
Three  students raise their hands. 
That's  fantastic. Now let me ask you one question  further...Have any of yo ever made love to a 
ghost?' 
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. 

The professor takes off his  glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been  giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to  have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come  up here and tell us about your experience.'  

The Middle Eastern student replied with  a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. 

When he reached the front  of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed,  tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' 

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

Disorder in the Amercian Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Getting laid
_
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..


_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


_____________________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing Law!!!\

Smart Smuggling

Woo On rode a cycle carrying two big bags crossing the Mexican border whilst the customs officer questioned about him.


"What is the stuff inside the bag?"


"Sand"' Woo On replied.


"I have to inspect!" the officer doubted and raised the instruction to inspect.


After the thorough inspection, the officer found nothing inside the bag and had to release Woo On to pass the border.


The next day, Woo On appeared with the same two bags of sand and officer stopped him for check, failed to find anything and let him go....finally!


Woo On did that the same everyday for almost a year, and the officer had failed to find anything at all!


Till one day, Woo On did not show up anymore....well, later on the officer met Woo An in a little bar drinking beer!


"Hey, fellow, what the hell you were trying to smuggling in the past year. I really did not find anything in the bags? I would like to know, as here only you and me here only! What was in the bag? And what did you smuggling!?


Woo On smiled gracefully and swollowed another mouthful of beer, said "Bicycles!"

Can you see how the Fish looks like!?

What a Dirty Fish it is!

HK Snob

A Lonely Ad

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:



HUSBAND WANTED:


MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),


MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME


MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!


ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.


The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!


The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'


She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'


Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Bitches till the End

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have breast cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

Indian Doctor

An Indian Doctor wanted to go meeting in Thailand, he calls his young male nurse.
Dumbi and tells him “A Dumbi, I am going Thailand tomorrow, we don't want to close the Clinic, I ask you to take care of our patients.”
Yes, sir...... answered Dumbi.
The doctor returned the next day and asked:
So Dumbi, how was your day? Dumbi told him he took care of 3 patients.
The first one had a stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX.
Dumbi, and the second one?
The second one had, sir. She had an headache and I gave her TYLENOL.
Dumbi ''you're good at this! And the third one?
Sir, I was sitting in the clinic suddenly the door opened and a woman entered like a ''flame'' and undressed herself, taking off her bra, I was confronted with a “stunning woman of a great body”
…and then she took off her panties..... then she jumped and lied on the table and shouted:
HELP ME since 3 years I have NOT SEEN ANY MAN!!
And what did you do, Dumbi?
I put eye drops in her eyes sir!

Before and After Marriage

Before Marriage


Sam -Ah, At last I can hardly wait.

Maggie - Do you want to leave me!?

Sam - No, Don't even think about it

Maggie - Do you love me?

Sam - Of course, always have and always will

Maggie - Have you ever cheated on me?

Sam - No, why are you even asking?!

Maggie - Will you kiss me?

Sam - Every Chance I get!

Maggie - Will you hit me?

Sam - Hell no, are you crazy?!

Maggie - Can I trust you?

Sam -Yes!

Maggie -Darling!

After Marriage, ready from the Bottom back to the top