Mike and Joe

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved soccer all our lives, and we played soccer on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's soccer there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mik e."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play soccer all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

Sweet Tea Remedy

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Dildo, the Brazilian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Brazilian gentleman named Dildo was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio Grande when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, drinks they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Dildo reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Dildo smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Dildo reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,  he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Dildo fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

Rear Admiral

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall.

bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over,

and they retired to their room,

she flopped on the bed and said,

"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,

my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door,

the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,

he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,

"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:

once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

Management Lesson

John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else...
One day John got so frustrated thatch went up to her and said, " I 'll give you $100 if you ket me screw you". But the girl said No.

Jonathan said , "I'll will be fast. I 'will throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, " Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. HAlf an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happen?

She responded, "the bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Next time when the Hotel Bill is too high...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Phoenix to NYC. After nearly twenty hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep Just for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the front desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.
The man is hysterical annoyed and demand to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450. When the clerk tells him $450 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a travelling cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised. "But sir," he says, this cheque is only made out for $100."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $350 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies." She was here and you could have."

Poor Village Girl

Once there was a slim, beautiful but poor village girl who accidentally dropped her Silver neck lace into river and then she cried loud for help!

Her tears had moved he angel and the Angel appeared and asked her why she cried, she told the Angel so. And The Angel put her hand into the river and pulled up a diamond necklace and asked if that is the one.
The poor Village girl said “No!”
The Angel put her hand and fetched up a gold necklace and asked he again, “is this yours?”
The Village girl said “No!”
The last trial, the Angel took the on she lost into the water a said,” Well, this is yours?”
The Village girl said “Yes, this is it!"
The Angel said, “ Oh, you are so kind and honest I would like to give you all three Diamond, gold and your silver necklace…at same time!”
The Village girl took them away happily went home.
After some time the Village girl was force to marry with an fat ugly man in the village by her greedy Parent’s.
And One day when they walked in the bank of the river, her husband slipped in to the river, and the tender hearted village cried again loud and woke the Angel.
The Angel flied and appeared in front f her,’ Hey, you again., what do you lose this time?”
She said , “My husband!” while worrying that her husband would get drowned soon!
The Angelo said,” OK I will find for you…”
After a while, the Angel fetched a Handsome strong man with the face of Michelangelo!!
All the sudden the Village girl said. “ Yes, this is my husband!”
The Angel hesitated, stopped and asked solemnly, “Well , really this is your husband?
Are you telling me lies!?”
The Village Girl cried even loudly and said. “No. this is not my hunband but as what you did last time, If later you find my ugly husband , and I said he is my husband, you would give me three as for my husbands, I am afraid I will be making love to death by three men!!

HK Snob

Good Night Kiss

One night a guy took his girlfriend to drop at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"....
"No, no. I just can' t"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.... "TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL....!!

Golf Story

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

He has no arms and no legs

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?

'The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?

'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?

'The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'