A few Pounds myself

'Mr. Clark , I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court.

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself..'

The Chef's claim was approved!

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.

The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

Demand cash at Burger King

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.

A cellular phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Wine Taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.

And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who the father is!"

We'd both still be alive...

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Mike and Joe

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved soccer all our lives, and we played soccer on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's soccer there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mik e."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play soccer all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

Sweet Tea Remedy

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Dildo, the Brazilian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Brazilian gentleman named Dildo was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio Grande when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, drinks they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Dildo reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Dildo smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Dildo reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,  he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Dildo fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

Rear Admiral

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall.

bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over,

and they retired to their room,

she flopped on the bed and said,

"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,

my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door,

the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,

he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,

"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:

once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"