Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together . ..quite an impressive work of art.
Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go
on their honeymoon to Duluth ...
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said,
'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen
deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Top 4 Adult Jokes of 2009
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
woman are evil by nature
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
New Clarification on Corporate Lingo
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT- We booze it up at company parties.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Drinks a lot
AGGRESSIVE-Obnoxious
APPLY IN PERSON- If you’re old, fat or ugly like I, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- in the list of next retrenchment programme
CAREER MINDED-Back Stabber
CAREER-MINDED-2nd interpretation, female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
CAREFUL THINKER-Never makes a decision
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE-We don’t pay enough to expect that
CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer.
CTO- Chief Ticklish Officer
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English Literature or religion.
COMPETITIVE SALARY- We remain competitive by paying 30% less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT-Luck
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no major blunders yet
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Spouse drinks, too
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- Spends most of the time on phone chatting
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS- Able to BS
HARD WORKING-must be dumb
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live
with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HARD WORKING - must be dump
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HK Snob
ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Drinks a lot
AGGRESSIVE-Obnoxious
APPLY IN PERSON- If you’re old, fat or ugly like I, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- in the list of next retrenchment programme
CAREER MINDED-Back Stabber
CAREER-MINDED-2nd interpretation, female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
CAREFUL THINKER-Never makes a decision
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE-We don’t pay enough to expect that
CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer.
CTO- Chief Ticklish Officer
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English Literature or religion.
COMPETITIVE SALARY- We remain competitive by paying 30% less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT-Luck
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no major blunders yet
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Spouse drinks, too
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- Spends most of the time on phone chatting
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS- Able to BS
HARD WORKING-must be dumb
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live
with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HARD WORKING - must be dump
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HK Snob
Friday, January 1, 2010
Guarantee No Defect
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
He felt a bit worry of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly pointed to the only sign on top of the shop "GUARANTEE NO DEFECT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and return to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even be switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
The shopkeeper refused to give either, the man pointed to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.'
He felt a bit worry of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly pointed to the only sign on top of the shop "GUARANTEE NO DEFECT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and return to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even be switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
The shopkeeper refused to give either, the man pointed to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.'
Friday, December 18, 2009
三個業績搞不好的原因
在『業務檢討』會議中，長官經過一長串地痛心致詞之後，希望會中同仁能夠有話直說、踴躍發言。
就在一片寂靜，要上不下的尷尬氣氛中，突然一股吼聲蹦出來。有一位主管激動地起立致詞，
他說：「我們業績搞不好的原因，主要有三個：
第一，是沒後臺，就像寡婦睡覺，上面沒人。
第二，是政策多又變得快，像妓女睡覺，上面老在換人。
第三，是內部不團結，就像和老婆睡覺，自己人老搞自己人……」
就在一片寂靜，要上不下的尷尬氣氛中，突然一股吼聲蹦出來。有一位主管激動地起立致詞，
他說：「我們業績搞不好的原因，主要有三個：
第一，是沒後臺，就像寡婦睡覺，上面沒人。
第二，是政策多又變得快，像妓女睡覺，上面老在換人。
第三，是內部不團結，就像和老婆睡覺，自己人老搞自己人……」
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Early Dismissal
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today"
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today"
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?
Hot Dogs
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get"?
"Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get"?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Headache
A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headachespecialist by his family doctor.
The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, 'I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and....' He was interrupted.
'And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?' 'Yes! Exactly!
How did you know?' 'Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. Whenshe came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength andthe pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every dayfor two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.'
Two weeks went by and the man came back. 'Well, how do you feel?' the doctor asked.
'Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had aheadache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And,by the way....nice house!'
The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, 'I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and....' He was interrupted.
'And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?' 'Yes! Exactly!
How did you know?' 'Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. Whenshe came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength andthe pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every dayfor two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.'
Two weeks went by and the man came back. 'Well, how do you feel?' the doctor asked.
'Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had aheadache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And,by the way....nice house!'
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
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