Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island . Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then checked out the island to see if they had any chance of survival.
When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed: "This Island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!" The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded: " No, we're not. I make over $100,000 a week.
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $100,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die."
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. My wife WILL find us!"
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Phone Repair
PHONE REPAIR A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire's connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 24 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning..
Thought you'd like to know.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire's connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 24 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning..
Thought you'd like to know.
Management course
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'
Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say!
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'
Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Egg Timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-Boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'Shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
Or this is goin to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that allAbout?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
Or this is goin to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that allAbout?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
A Story at Institute of Mental Health (IMH)
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to get panic. One patient happened to walk by and asked the driver what was happened!?
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he could do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple task....no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver...
"Here’s what you see! And he takes one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, as easy as that!"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy, not STUPID!"
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to get panic. One patient happened to walk by and asked the driver what was happened!?
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he could do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple task....no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver...
"Here’s what you see! And he takes one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, as easy as that!"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy, not STUPID!"
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Caught Lawrence on his lascivious behaviour
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p..m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.’
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
‘He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Shit.... is it midnight already?'
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.’
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
‘He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Shit.... is it midnight already?'
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
It's not difficult to make a woman happy if you are
1. A companion
2. An Latin lover
3. A master
4. A great chef
5. An electrician
6. A carpenter
7. A plumber
8. A mechanic
9. A decorator
10. A stylist
11. A sexologist
12. A gynecologist
13. A psychologist
14. A social worker
15. A psychiatrist
16. A healer
17. A good listener
18. An organizer
19. A good listener
20. A massagist
21. A invincible body guard
22. Sympathetic
23. Athletic
24. Warm
25. Attentive
26. Gallant
27. Intelligent
28. Funny
29. Creative
30. Tender
31. Strong
32. Understanding
33. Tolerant
34. Prudent
35. Capable
36. Courageous
37. Determined
38. True
39. Dependable
40. Passionate
...
Monday, November 2, 2009
A Quick Laugh For 5 Mins
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Bangkok tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8..
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was borne
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: 'Where were you born?'
Student: ' Penang, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir..'
A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.'Ok, answer,
Joan' said the teacher.''unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Lawson: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Lawson: 'No hair, Sir.'
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Bangkok tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8..
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was borne
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: 'Where were you born?'
Student: ' Penang, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir..'
A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.'Ok, answer,
Joan' said the teacher.''unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Lawson: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Lawson: 'No hair, Sir.'
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