A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
New Clarification on Corporate Lingo
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT- We booze it up at company parties.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Drinks a lot
AGGRESSIVE-Obnoxious
APPLY IN PERSON- If you’re old, fat or ugly like I, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- in the list of next retrenchment programme
CAREER MINDED-Back Stabber
CAREER-MINDED-2nd interpretation, female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
CAREFUL THINKER-Never makes a decision
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE-We don’t pay enough to expect that
CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer.
CTO- Chief Ticklish Officer
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English Literature or religion.
COMPETITIVE SALARY- We remain competitive by paying 30% less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT-Luck
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no major blunders yet
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Spouse drinks, too
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- Spends most of the time on phone chatting
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS- Able to BS
HARD WORKING-must be dumb
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live
with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HARD WORKING - must be dump
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HK Snob
ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Drinks a lot
AGGRESSIVE-Obnoxious
APPLY IN PERSON- If you’re old, fat or ugly like I, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- in the list of next retrenchment programme
CAREER MINDED-Back Stabber
CAREER-MINDED-2nd interpretation, female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
CAREFUL THINKER-Never makes a decision
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE-We don’t pay enough to expect that
CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer.
CTO- Chief Ticklish Officer
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English Literature or religion.
COMPETITIVE SALARY- We remain competitive by paying 30% less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT-Luck
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no major blunders yet
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Spouse drinks, too
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- Spends most of the time on phone chatting
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS- Able to BS
HARD WORKING-must be dumb
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live
with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HARD WORKING - must be dump
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HK Snob
Friday, January 1, 2010
Guarantee No Defect
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
He felt a bit worry of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly pointed to the only sign on top of the shop "GUARANTEE NO DEFECT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and return to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even be switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
The shopkeeper refused to give either, the man pointed to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.'
He felt a bit worry of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly pointed to the only sign on top of the shop "GUARANTEE NO DEFECT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and return to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even be switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
The shopkeeper refused to give either, the man pointed to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.'
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