在『業務檢討』會議中，長官經過一長串地痛心致詞之後，希望會中同仁能夠有話直說、踴躍發言。
就在一片寂靜，要上不下的尷尬氣氛中，突然一股吼聲蹦出來。有一位主管激動地起立致詞，
他說：「我們業績搞不好的原因，主要有三個：
第一，是沒後臺，就像寡婦睡覺，上面沒人。
第二，是政策多又變得快，像妓女睡覺，上面老在換人。
第三，是內部不團結，就像和老婆睡覺，自己人老搞自己人……」
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Early Dismissal
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today"
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today"
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?
Hot Dogs
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get"?
"Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get"?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Headache
A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headachespecialist by his family doctor.
The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, 'I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and....' He was interrupted.
'And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?' 'Yes! Exactly!
How did you know?' 'Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. Whenshe came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength andthe pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every dayfor two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.'
Two weeks went by and the man came back. 'Well, how do you feel?' the doctor asked.
'Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had aheadache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And,by the way....nice house!'
The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, 'I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and....' He was interrupted.
'And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?' 'Yes! Exactly!
How did you know?' 'Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. Whenshe came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength andthe pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every dayfor two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.'
Two weeks went by and the man came back. 'Well, how do you feel?' the doctor asked.
'Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had aheadache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And,by the way....nice house!'
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Just Married
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox?"
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox?"
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Faith
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island . Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then checked out the island to see if they had any chance of survival.
When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed: "This Island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!" The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded: " No, we're not. I make over $100,000 a week.
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $100,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die."
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. My wife WILL find us!"
When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed: "This Island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!" The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded: " No, we're not. I make over $100,000 a week.
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $100,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die."
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. My wife WILL find us!"
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Phone Repair
PHONE REPAIR A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire's connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 24 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning..
Thought you'd like to know.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire's connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 24 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning..
Thought you'd like to know.
Management course
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'
Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say!
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'
Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Egg Timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-Boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'Shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
Or this is goin to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that allAbout?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
Or this is goin to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that allAbout?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
A Story at Institute of Mental Health (IMH)
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to get panic. One patient happened to walk by and asked the driver what was happened!?
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he could do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple task....no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver...
"Here’s what you see! And he takes one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, as easy as that!"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy, not STUPID!"
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to get panic. One patient happened to walk by and asked the driver what was happened!?
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he could do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple task....no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver...
"Here’s what you see! And he takes one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, as easy as that!"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy, not STUPID!"
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Caught Lawrence on his lascivious behaviour
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p..m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.’
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
‘He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Shit.... is it midnight already?'
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.’
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
‘He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Shit.... is it midnight already?'
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
It's not difficult to make a woman happy if you are
1. A companion
2. An Latin lover
3. A master
4. A great chef
5. An electrician
6. A carpenter
7. A plumber
8. A mechanic
9. A decorator
10. A stylist
11. A sexologist
12. A gynecologist
13. A psychologist
14. A social worker
15. A psychiatrist
16. A healer
17. A good listener
18. An organizer
19. A good listener
20. A massagist
21. A invincible body guard
22. Sympathetic
23. Athletic
24. Warm
25. Attentive
26. Gallant
27. Intelligent
28. Funny
29. Creative
30. Tender
31. Strong
32. Understanding
33. Tolerant
34. Prudent
35. Capable
36. Courageous
37. Determined
38. True
39. Dependable
40. Passionate
...
Monday, November 2, 2009
A Quick Laugh For 5 Mins
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Bangkok tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8..
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was borne
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: 'Where were you born?'
Student: ' Penang, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir..'
A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.'Ok, answer,
Joan' said the teacher.''unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Lawson: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Lawson: 'No hair, Sir.'
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Bangkok tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8..
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was borne
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: 'Where were you born?'
Student: ' Penang, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir..'
A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.'Ok, answer,
Joan' said the teacher.''unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Lawson: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Lawson: 'No hair, Sir.'
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Maths
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
Dish Washing
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Man Thinks fast
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.
Doctors never laugh
Doctors Never Laugh...
Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems. the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient.
' Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing HYSTERICALLY to the floor. 3 minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Scott replied
Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems. the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient.
' Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing HYSTERICALLY to the floor. 3 minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Scott replied
Opportunity calls
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him at his head in a temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him at his head in a temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22,
A woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild,f ertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30,
A woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35,
A woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40,
A woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50,
A woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60,
A woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn'tmake the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70,
A woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70,
She becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past andthe wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
feverip
A woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild,f ertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30,
A woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35,
A woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40,
A woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50,
A woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60,
A woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn'tmake the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70,
A woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70,
She becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past andthe wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
feverip
Friday, October 16, 2009
Annual Dementia Test
Your Annual Dementia TestIt's that time of year to take our annual (OAP) senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk " five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green bricks," why in the world are you still reading these?
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question5.
Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver and don't look back at the beginning of this problem?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk " five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green bricks," why in the world are you still reading these?
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question5.
Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver and don't look back at the beginning of this problem?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Old Man's sex
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health..
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man... 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?'
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in> August.'
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man... 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?'
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in> August.'
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Why they don't play at night?!
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?
One cent for a beer
A man walked into a bar , went to the bar tender and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'Ten Cents,' the barman replied.
'Ten cents?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'Ten Cents,' the barman replied.
'Ten cents?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Confession
Don was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' '
There's no need to, 'his wife replied...
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' '
There's no need to, 'his wife replied...
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.
Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
Woman never lie
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Luckily the wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Luckily the wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
A Man can not lie
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
Big John
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Big John, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
John had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry John,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. '
I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'John is dead!'
He examined the body of Big John, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
John had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry John,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. '
I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'John is dead!'
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
President of the Bank
One day one old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a big bag of money, She insisted to speak to the president of the bank as she want to open a new saving account for she said she has a lot of money in the bag.
After much discussion, an employer took her to the office of the President,
The president said her how much she wanted to deposit?
She said $20,500.00!
Curious, he asked her how she had saved a large sum of money.
The old lady said she made bets, the president quite surprised, asked: What kind of bets?”
The old lady said, “for example, I bet you $20,000 that your testicles are square”.
The President started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win!
The old lady replied ‘”Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered that president. “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square.”
The old lady said to him, “given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 a.m.
With my lawyer as a witness if it is alright with you.”
“No problem!” said the president.
That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a lot of time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning then in all directions, again and again, in order to ask sure that his testicle can not be seen as square and therefore sure to win his bet.
On the next day, 10 a.m. sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.
The president then dropped his trouser so that the lady could se everything.
The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them,
“Of course, please do!”
Said the president, give a fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”
The lady smiled, started to do so, the president looked up to se the lawyer banning his head against the wall.
He asked the old lady,” What is he doing?”
He answered” “it is probably because I bet him $100,000.00 that around 10 a.m. today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in my hands”
After much discussion, an employer took her to the office of the President,
The president said her how much she wanted to deposit?
She said $20,500.00!
Curious, he asked her how she had saved a large sum of money.
The old lady said she made bets, the president quite surprised, asked: What kind of bets?”
The old lady said, “for example, I bet you $20,000 that your testicles are square”.
The President started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win!
The old lady replied ‘”Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered that president. “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square.”
The old lady said to him, “given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 a.m.
With my lawyer as a witness if it is alright with you.”
“No problem!” said the president.
That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a lot of time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning then in all directions, again and again, in order to ask sure that his testicle can not be seen as square and therefore sure to win his bet.
On the next day, 10 a.m. sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.
The president then dropped his trouser so that the lady could se everything.
The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them,
“Of course, please do!”
Said the president, give a fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”
The lady smiled, started to do so, the president looked up to se the lawyer banning his head against the wall.
He asked the old lady,” What is he doing?”
He answered” “it is probably because I bet him $100,000.00 that around 10 a.m. today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in my hands”
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Stand at the Door
Stand at the DoorA new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.").
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.").
Monday, October 12, 2009
No Sex Since 1957
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1957, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!
I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957.'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.' !
a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1957, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!
I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957.'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.' !
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