Old man thinks fast

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.

China News Agency Photographer

His request approved, the China News Agency photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.

He was told a Single Propeller engine plane would be waiting
for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming
up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door
shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind
and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
pilot, 'Fly over the Ningbo Bullet Train scene and make low
passes so I can take pictures of the crashes of the two trains

'Why?' asked the pilot..

'Because I'm a photographer for China News Agency' ,
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots ASAP.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.
Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor!?

Ningbo Snob

How To understand Woman

A Man asked the God, can you build a bridge linking up California to Beijing!?
The God said, well that is very difficult and I can not promise this. Can I help you on the next request!? So the man asked again, Can you help me to understand woman?
God said, how many lanes you want for the bridge, two or four?
HK Snob

Government Job

Ah Beng goes to the City headquarters to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink Coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was with the 6th Regimen for 20 years".
The interviewer says, "That will give you 7 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay!
You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:30 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:30 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Cartier Shop

A lady walks into Cartier. .. she looked around, spotted a beautiful diamond bracelet and walked over to inspect it... As she bent over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted... Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prayed that a sales person was not anywhere near... As she turned around, her worst nightmare came in as there was a salesman standing right behind her... Tall, handsome as well cool as a cucumber, he displayed all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Cartier... He politely greeted the lady with, 'good day, madam .. how may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asked, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ?' He answered, "madam .. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price .."

Do you believe Genies?

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied."Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.""Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!""And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said."Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?""Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about four hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked: "How old are you and your husband?""Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out"- both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home-they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them...luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it...so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"...

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU"!

HK Snob

Password

An attractive Computer Consultant Maggie was trying to assist the Production Manager for accessment on his computers system…
Maggie asked what his Password is. Peter, the Manager grinned as he had had a plan to make a hoax to Maggie by telling her his Password is “PENIS”

Maggie entered the computer professionally without and further hesitation.

However the computer prompted up an error message” Rejected, Not Long Enough”
HK Snob

Replies by the Contestants in Miss World Contest

America

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen. Question: How can you say so? Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman......................... (Applause! Applause!)

Malaysia
Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton cars. Question: How can you say so? Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft........................... (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause!)
Spain

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull) Question: How can you say so? Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.... (Applause! Applause!)
Philippines
Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors. Question: How can you say so? Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth...... (Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)
India

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers. Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night...... (Applause! Applause! Applause!)
Singapore
Question: Ms Singapore, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so? Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 10 minutes before the show is over (Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Saudi Arabia
Question: Ms Saudi Arabia, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Saudi: Well, I can say that male organs in Saudi are like thieves. Question: How can you say so? Ms Saudi: Because they like to enter through the back door..... (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)
Hong Kong
Question: Miss Hong Kong, how do you describe a male organ in your country…

Miss Hong Kong, hmm, well, it is hard to say, but honestly I could say they are like Chinese Fried Twisted Dough Sticks (youtiao)…When it is hot, it expands 5 times in 2 seconds to a decent full length that scares every woman.. When it is cold, it stays hard…
Japan
Question: Miss Japan, how do you describe a male organ in your country…

Miss Japan replied in blush, we are women of Yamato-damashii, I am shy to tell you that, the male organs in Japan are like tasting ice-cream in Sahara dessert , when I want to lick it, it is already melt in my hand.

(……)

Libya

Question: Miss Libya, how do you describe a male organ in your country…

Miss Libya replied…. Sorry I am still a virgin, My home town is Benghazi, I had no idea of our male organs is as all men are forced to be converted to soldier in protecting Tripoli since Col Qaddafi’s freakish rule 40 years ago. I have not seen a single real man at all.


HK Snob

Welcome to Hong Kong Special Admininstration Region, Have a Nice Day!

Mr. Yoshihiko happened to meet A Hong Konger Paul in the rest room before get on the car to avoid peegret.

Paul peeped at Yoshihiko’s penis, found that was tattooed “WY”on it.

He grinned and stared at Paul and hold up his little sex weapon and tried to enlarge it... after a few minutes it showed the full word “ Wendy”, he said, that is name of his Girl Friend!

“Thumb’s up!” Paul showed some respects to Yoshihiko San!

Well, With some dirty eyes looking at Paul’s…noticed that Paul had also a Tattoo “ WY” on his thing…of similar length at rest condition.


Just a minute Paul worked on it… It Displayed “ Welcome to the Hong Kong Special Administration Region, Have A nice Day!”

HK Snob

Unfaithful Wife

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club , and you needed 73 more votes?"

Ads

Ad in Doctor’s Kitchen
Thanks for Smoking In my kitchen,

It kills all Cockroaches by lung Cancers!

- HK Snob


Ad in Pantry of a World No. 1 Semiconductor house
Thanks for all staff effort I last year, we had been successfully maintain world No. 1 Semiconductor Assemnly houses by our revenue in 2010.
Plan for the worse, we will to maintain the same salary as we used to be to keep our competitiveness for 2011.

-HK Snob

Ad of Condom in 7-11
Prince size condom for all Kings, you will never complain it is too loose.
Leave the King size for Elephant.

-HK Snob


Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:

Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ...
One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:

Success Is Relative.

The more The Success,

The more The Relatives


When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...

I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty
And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....

He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


Sign In A Bar:

'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget,

Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,
Don't Stand In Her Way....

Sharp Observation

First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "the second most important quality is observation.” I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

I Still have mine

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my



intelligence come from?'


The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,


cause I still have mine.'

Just a minute

A blonde calls British Airways and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from London to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'O K . Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Remove a Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

A few Pounds myself

'Mr. Clark , I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court.

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself..'

The Chef's claim was approved!

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.

The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

Demand cash at Burger King

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.