Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wine Taster
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who the father is!"
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who the father is!"
Saturday, November 20, 2010
We'd both still be alive...
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Mike and Joe
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved soccer all our lives, and we played soccer on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's soccer there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mik e."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play soccer all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved soccer all our lives, and we played soccer on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's soccer there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mik e."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play soccer all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sweet Tea Remedy
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Dildo, the Brazilian Lover
A virile, middle-aged Brazilian gentleman named Dildo was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio Grande when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, drinks they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Dildo reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Dildo smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Dildo reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Dildo fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Dildo reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Dildo smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Dildo reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Dildo fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Rear Admiral
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall.
bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over,
and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,
my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door,
the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,
he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:
once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over,
and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,
my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door,
the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,
he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:
once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
Monday, August 30, 2010
Management Lesson
John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else...
One day John got so frustrated thatch went up to her and said, " I 'll give you $100 if you ket me screw you". But the girl said No.
Jonathan said , "I'll will be fast. I 'will throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, " Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. HAlf an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happen?
She responded, "the bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Next time when the Hotel Bill is too high...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Phoenix to NYC. After nearly twenty hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep Just for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the front desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.
The man is hysterical annoyed and demand to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450. When the clerk tells him $450 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a travelling cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised. "But sir," he says, this cheque is only made out for $100."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $350 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies." She was here and you could have."
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep Just for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the front desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.
The man is hysterical annoyed and demand to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450. When the clerk tells him $450 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a travelling cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised. "But sir," he says, this cheque is only made out for $100."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $350 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies." She was here and you could have."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Poor Village Girl
Once there was a slim, beautiful but poor village girl who accidentally dropped her Silver neck lace into river and then she cried loud for help!
Her tears had moved he angel and the Angel appeared and asked her why she cried, she told the Angel so. And The Angel put her hand into the river and pulled up a diamond necklace and asked if that is the one.
The poor Village girl said “No!”
The Angel put her hand and fetched up a gold necklace and asked he again, “is this yours?”
The Village girl said “No!”
The last trial, the Angel took the on she lost into the water a said,” Well, this is yours?”
The Village girl said “Yes, this is it!"
The Angel said, “ Oh, you are so kind and honest I would like to give you all three Diamond, gold and your silver necklace…at same time!”
The Village girl took them away happily went home.
After some time the Village girl was force to marry with an fat ugly man in the village by her greedy Parent’s.
And One day when they walked in the bank of the river, her husband slipped in to the river, and the tender hearted village cried again loud and woke the Angel.
The Angel flied and appeared in front f her,’ Hey, you again., what do you lose this time?”
She said , “My husband!” while worrying that her husband would get drowned soon!
The Angelo said,” OK I will find for you…”
After a while, the Angel fetched a Handsome strong man with the face of Michelangelo!!
All the sudden the Village girl said. “ Yes, this is my husband!”
The Angel hesitated, stopped and asked solemnly, “Well , really this is your husband?
Are you telling me lies!?”
The Village Girl cried even loudly and said. “No. this is not my hunband but as what you did last time, If later you find my ugly husband , and I said he is my husband, you would give me three as for my husbands, I am afraid I will be making love to death by three men!!
HK Snob
Her tears had moved he angel and the Angel appeared and asked her why she cried, she told the Angel so. And The Angel put her hand into the river and pulled up a diamond necklace and asked if that is the one.
The poor Village girl said “No!”
The Angel put her hand and fetched up a gold necklace and asked he again, “is this yours?”
The Village girl said “No!”
The last trial, the Angel took the on she lost into the water a said,” Well, this is yours?”
The Village girl said “Yes, this is it!"
The Angel said, “ Oh, you are so kind and honest I would like to give you all three Diamond, gold and your silver necklace…at same time!”
The Village girl took them away happily went home.
After some time the Village girl was force to marry with an fat ugly man in the village by her greedy Parent’s.
And One day when they walked in the bank of the river, her husband slipped in to the river, and the tender hearted village cried again loud and woke the Angel.
The Angel flied and appeared in front f her,’ Hey, you again., what do you lose this time?”
She said , “My husband!” while worrying that her husband would get drowned soon!
The Angelo said,” OK I will find for you…”
After a while, the Angel fetched a Handsome strong man with the face of Michelangelo!!
All the sudden the Village girl said. “ Yes, this is my husband!”
The Angel hesitated, stopped and asked solemnly, “Well , really this is your husband?
Are you telling me lies!?”
The Village Girl cried even loudly and said. “No. this is not my hunband but as what you did last time, If later you find my ugly husband , and I said he is my husband, you would give me three as for my husbands, I am afraid I will be making love to death by three men!!
HK Snob
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Good Night Kiss
One night a guy took his girlfriend to drop at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"....
"No, no. I just can' t"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.... "TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL....!!
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"....
"No, no. I just can' t"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.... "TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL....!!
Golf Story
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
He has no arms and no legs
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?
'The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?
'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?
'The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?
'The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?
'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?
'The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Ghost Sex
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of yo ever made love to a
ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of yo ever made love to a
ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Disorder in the Amercian Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing Law!!!\
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing Law!!!\
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Smart Smuggling
Woo On rode a cycle carrying two big bags crossing the Mexican border whilst the customs officer questioned about him.
"What is the stuff inside the bag?"
"Sand"' Woo On replied.
"I have to inspect!" the officer doubted and raised the instruction to inspect.
After the thorough inspection, the officer found nothing inside the bag and had to release Woo On to pass the border.
The next day, Woo On appeared with the same two bags of sand and officer stopped him for check, failed to find anything and let him go....finally!
Woo On did that the same everyday for almost a year, and the officer had failed to find anything at all!
Till one day, Woo On did not show up anymore....well, later on the officer met Woo An in a little bar drinking beer!
"Hey, fellow, what the hell you were trying to smuggling in the past year. I really did not find anything in the bags? I would like to know, as here only you and me here only! What was in the bag? And what did you smuggling!?
Woo On smiled gracefully and swollowed another mouthful of beer, said "Bicycles!"
"What is the stuff inside the bag?"
"Sand"' Woo On replied.
"I have to inspect!" the officer doubted and raised the instruction to inspect.
After the thorough inspection, the officer found nothing inside the bag and had to release Woo On to pass the border.
The next day, Woo On appeared with the same two bags of sand and officer stopped him for check, failed to find anything and let him go....finally!
Woo On did that the same everyday for almost a year, and the officer had failed to find anything at all!
Till one day, Woo On did not show up anymore....well, later on the officer met Woo An in a little bar drinking beer!
"Hey, fellow, what the hell you were trying to smuggling in the past year. I really did not find anything in the bags? I would like to know, as here only you and me here only! What was in the bag? And what did you smuggling!?
Woo On smiled gracefully and swollowed another mouthful of beer, said "Bicycles!"
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
A Lonely Ad
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Bitches till the End
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have breast cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Indian Doctor
An Indian Doctor wanted to go meeting in Thailand, he calls his young male nurse.
Dumbi and tells him “A Dumbi, I am going Thailand tomorrow, we don't want to close the Clinic, I ask you to take care of our patients.”
Yes, sir...... answered Dumbi.
The doctor returned the next day and asked:
So Dumbi, how was your day? Dumbi told him he took care of 3 patients.
The first one had a stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX.
Dumbi, and the second one?
The second one had, sir. She had an headache and I gave her TYLENOL.
Dumbi ''you're good at this! And the third one?
Sir, I was sitting in the clinic suddenly the door opened and a woman entered like a ''flame'' and undressed herself, taking off her bra, I was confronted with a “stunning woman of a great body”
…and then she took off her panties..... then she jumped and lied on the table and shouted:
HELP ME since 3 years I have NOT SEEN ANY MAN!!
And what did you do, Dumbi?
I put eye drops in her eyes sir!
Dumbi and tells him “A Dumbi, I am going Thailand tomorrow, we don't want to close the Clinic, I ask you to take care of our patients.”
Yes, sir...... answered Dumbi.
The doctor returned the next day and asked:
So Dumbi, how was your day? Dumbi told him he took care of 3 patients.
The first one had a stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX.
Dumbi, and the second one?
The second one had, sir. She had an headache and I gave her TYLENOL.
Dumbi ''you're good at this! And the third one?
Sir, I was sitting in the clinic suddenly the door opened and a woman entered like a ''flame'' and undressed herself, taking off her bra, I was confronted with a “stunning woman of a great body”
…and then she took off her panties..... then she jumped and lied on the table and shouted:
HELP ME since 3 years I have NOT SEEN ANY MAN!!
And what did you do, Dumbi?
I put eye drops in her eyes sir!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Before and After Marriage
Before Marriage
Sam -Ah, At last I can hardly wait.
Maggie - Do you want to leave me!?
Sam - No, Don't even think about it
Maggie - Do you love me?
Sam - Of course, always have and always will
Maggie - Have you ever cheated on me?
Sam - No, why are you even asking?!
Maggie - Will you kiss me?
Sam - Every Chance I get!
Maggie - Will you hit me?
Sam - Hell no, are you crazy?!
Maggie - Can I trust you?
Sam -Yes!
Maggie -Darling!
After Marriage, ready from the Bottom back to the top
Sam -Ah, At last I can hardly wait.
Maggie - Do you want to leave me!?
Sam - No, Don't even think about it
Maggie - Do you love me?
Sam - Of course, always have and always will
Maggie - Have you ever cheated on me?
Sam - No, why are you even asking?!
Maggie - Will you kiss me?
Sam - Every Chance I get!
Maggie - Will you hit me?
Sam - Hell no, are you crazy?!
Maggie - Can I trust you?
Sam -Yes!
Maggie -Darling!
After Marriage, ready from the Bottom back to the top
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . .
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery...
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . .
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery...
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
Dr. Tale
A man comes into the ER and yells .... My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
Dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs
And I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
Dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs
And I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Hair Cut
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."
The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, " About three hours."
The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
"Your house." !
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."
The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, " About three hours."
The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
"Your house." !
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Wedding Test
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome...
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo ... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, All clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said we are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome...
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo ... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, All clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said we are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Test Results
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
Thursday, March 18, 2010
When the girl won't pull out
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all. Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all. Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Playing Hockey
A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a
dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch
them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know
how to play Hockey.
dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch
them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know
how to play Hockey.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Cold and Hot Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
"Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
"Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.
The Amazing Jew
A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Jew."
The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, 'Morty,' written on it.
After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded, "Don't Miss The Amazing Jew."
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them. The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show. "You're incredible," he told Morty, "but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Vell, I tell ya sompin," said Morty, "my eyes ain't vat dey used to be.
"Don't Miss The Amazing Jew."
The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, 'Morty,' written on it.
After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded, "Don't Miss The Amazing Jew."
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them. The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show. "You're incredible," he told Morty, "but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Vell, I tell ya sompin," said Morty, "my eyes ain't vat dey used to be.
A Government Job
A guy applies for a job at a new Sri Lankan Government Department.
The interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way."
"Yes!" the guy says, "a landmine blew my testicles away!"
"O.K. you're hired!" the interviewer announces, "working hours are from 8am to 5pm. Make sure you're here by 10am every morning!"
Puzzled the guy says, "You said 8am to 5pm, but why do you want me to come in only at 10am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls........no point in you coming in for that....!"
HK Snob
(This is a Joke and not to mean to offend...)
The interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way."
"Yes!" the guy says, "a landmine blew my testicles away!"
"O.K. you're hired!" the interviewer announces, "working hours are from 8am to 5pm. Make sure you're here by 10am every morning!"
Puzzled the guy says, "You said 8am to 5pm, but why do you want me to come in only at 10am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls........no point in you coming in for that....!"
HK Snob
(This is a Joke and not to mean to offend...)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Ole and Lens's Honeymoon
Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together . ..quite an impressive work of art.
Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go
on their honeymoon to Duluth ...
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said,
'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen
deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together . ..quite an impressive work of art.
Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go
on their honeymoon to Duluth ...
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said,
'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen
deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Top 4 Adult Jokes of 2009
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
woman are evil by nature
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
New Clarification on Corporate Lingo
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT- We booze it up at company parties.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Drinks a lot
AGGRESSIVE-Obnoxious
APPLY IN PERSON- If you’re old, fat or ugly like I, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- in the list of next retrenchment programme
CAREER MINDED-Back Stabber
CAREER-MINDED-2nd interpretation, female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
CAREFUL THINKER-Never makes a decision
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE-We don’t pay enough to expect that
CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer.
CTO- Chief Ticklish Officer
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English Literature or religion.
COMPETITIVE SALARY- We remain competitive by paying 30% less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT-Luck
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no major blunders yet
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Spouse drinks, too
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- Spends most of the time on phone chatting
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS- Able to BS
HARD WORKING-must be dumb
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live
with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HARD WORKING - must be dump
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HK Snob
ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Drinks a lot
AGGRESSIVE-Obnoxious
APPLY IN PERSON- If you’re old, fat or ugly like I, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- in the list of next retrenchment programme
CAREER MINDED-Back Stabber
CAREER-MINDED-2nd interpretation, female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
CAREFUL THINKER-Never makes a decision
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE-We don’t pay enough to expect that
CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer.
CTO- Chief Ticklish Officer
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English Literature or religion.
COMPETITIVE SALARY- We remain competitive by paying 30% less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT-Luck
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no major blunders yet
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY-Spouse drinks, too
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- Spends most of the time on phone chatting
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS- Able to BS
HARD WORKING-must be dumb
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live
with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HARD WORKING - must be dump
INDEPENDENT WORKER-Nobody knows what he/she does
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR-Knows a lot of dirty jokes
LOYAL-Can't get a better job elsewhere
MARKETING MANAGER- Messenger of messengers
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL-A nit picker
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL-We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE-We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY -Always meeting people at Starbucks
QUICK THINKING-Offers plausible excuses
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE-who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. You’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Smoke Free Office- Smoking Car park area, smoking lobby, restroom…
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED- Some time each night and some time each weekend
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS-Gets someone else to do it
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date
HK Snob
Friday, January 1, 2010
Guarantee No Defect
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
He felt a bit worry of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly pointed to the only sign on top of the shop "GUARANTEE NO DEFECT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and return to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even be switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
The shopkeeper refused to give either, the man pointed to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.'
He felt a bit worry of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly pointed to the only sign on top of the shop "GUARANTEE NO DEFECT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and return to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even be switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
The shopkeeper refused to give either, the man pointed to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.'
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